It was exactly a year ago as a newbie blogger (before I discovered the spell check function) that I ran across a smoking ban proposed in Germany for their drivers. Now with a timely twist of circular events, Detroit has become concerned with their drivers and cell phones? What is it about May and the sudden concern for people's distracted driving? I've updated my effort at a comical rant and pasted it here:

In today's society we have so few things to concern ourselves with that we focus tightly on the mundane and ignorant. Requiring headsets for cell phone use while driving comes to mind, and now this:

  • Detroit Council Bans Cell Phone Use

  • With the Detroit law makers taking a serious look at cell phones in cars and the distraction it causes I am forced to bring a major concern to your attention. We have heard about the dangers of alcohol and open containers-but that's not what I'm concerned about. Not cell phone usage, not hot coffee in cars, no-not even the eating of a big Mac in the car. I am talking about the evidence we see every day on the sides of our highways in the form of containers of yellow liquid.
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    Not Mello Yello, but the other YELLOW LIQUID!
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    That's right. Drivers are too lazy or in too big of a hurry these days to bother with stopping to relieve themselves and are using open containers to dispense with bodily fluids while driving. It is a dangerous and disgusting activity which distracts from driving and can cause accidents. In interviews with jail gang drug offenders we were shocked to find the sheer numbers of these bottles and the untold threat it represents to drivers everywhere. Plus the psychological damages of forcing these already self-image-impaired individuals to handle the used containers!

    I propose an ordinance with a three-part approach:
    1) Ban opened containers: as these are the paraphenalia used by violators we must ban the use of capped containers that have been emptied from the interior of vehicles. I suggest everyone switch to Capri-Sun drink pouches which are extremely difficult (if not impossible in tests performed by a leading liberal university are true) to put urine back into without the painful cathederization from the tiny straw.
    2) Bladder Activity Tester: the BAT will determine if you need to pee prior to permitting you to drive. By application of a BAT to the bladder the driver will void if needed prior to driving.
    3) Pre-ignition Activated Detection system: the PAD will be placed in the front center of the driver's seat in order to detect liquids. In the event that the driver is attempting to use an open container and drips, the PAD will activate and shut down the ignition causing the vehicle to shut down preventing the likelihood of a collision. This is recommended for repeat offenders, just check the velour where they sit.

    It is my estimation that the Teamsters will fight this legislation tooth and nail as this behavior is one of the keys to performance for their driver members. My wife and I are organizing an online campaign: PARENTS for ELIMINATION of ELIMINATION for PROTECTION AGAINST DUMB DRIVERS or PEE PADD. It is PEE PADD's goal to see that the urine is caught and that these offenders be potty trained and car-broken. Look for our fliers and call your legislators today!

    I just hope everyone is on board with my proposal in time for the first week of May, 2007.